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2Jul2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

searching for happiness

Thought id put some thoughts down as I cant sleep.Still on UK time,, for me its about 6 pm,not 2.15 am.I enjoyed my big OE ,but I had a few bad moments too ,or maybe not bad just a difficult. adjustment. The trip was a series of revelations for me.I think I was hoping to connect more with my ancestors in Scotland and Ireland,get a sense of who I am from where they came from.I was disappointed in this by finding out the real history can differ greatly from official history.There is a saying History is written by the conqerers, its not necessarily true.I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else ,but its my story so ill carry on.I think I got too affected by the injustices that occurred in Scotland and Ireland throughout history and took it on board this brought me down to a dark place and could have ruined my holiday.It was a struggle at times to keep positive .I came to realise that I am me,I have my own choices to make .ive sometimes made choices and taken actions I regret.I can focus on this to at times and it brings me down as well.
I am realising that I am me ,no one else.I don't always get it right,and that's ok.I didn't find any more sense of who I am ,. over there.
I am who I am. I don't have any more sense of my beginning ,but I am here and now.Today is all that matters,I hope to give and be the best that I am today.
Today I will be happy with the journey,instead of being on the journey to find happiness,I may not always " Feel " happy every moment ,but I can continue to decide to be happy with all that I have and am today.
I have had to come to terms with the fact I have a mental health condition which sometimes tells me im no good and that life is pretty horrible,at those times life is a struggle and I don't see the good things in life so easily.Those are the times I used to " need " to smoke to make me feel better. its like at those times I forget what is good and lovely about this life and can only see the grey in everything.Thats also when nicodemons lies seem so much more tempting ,you know just one wont hurt,or whats the use of quitting when life is so crap.
I may well have these thoughts and times the rest of my life, but thankfully some truth has managed to sink into my consciousness ie ,No one puff is too much .If I smoke I die,thats my reality.Coming too terms with who and what I am is also why 10 months ago after countless attempts to quit smoking.I decided to use the ecig,with nicotine,its the only thing that's ever enabled me to not smoke ciggaretes for any length of time.
So far its enabled me to try and figure out a way to live in harmony with both myself and the world I live in.I see others have this race to see who can quit smoking the quickest, im like the turtle ,I just want to finish the race not win it.I smoked non stop for 40 years,this has been the toughest thing ive ever done ,if it takes me a year or even 2,to get off the ecig, then so be it .
If there is a point to this burble then maybe its ,walk your own walk,do what ever you gotta do.Ive been criticised plenty of times for apparently still smoking ,by using my ecig, The facts are I now have way better health than when I started,I can outwalk my wife up steep hills and do things I had given up because of poor health especially breathing problems.
I hope its ok to keep bloging on here . I know im a bit different ,but ive been on the ecig bloging sites and don't really relate to them,many of them just wanted to switch to a safer form of "smoking" .its an odd place to be not accepted by smokers or sometimes by ex smokers either but treated as if you are still a smokeby exes and as a freak by smokers.Any way enough burbling for now,will try to sleep now.

Profile image clematis1 day ago

I don't mind your "burble" at all. Negative thoughts about ourselves can get out of proportion if we don't fight them. I believe if we can do something like quit smoking we can use the same techniques to fight anything that harms us - even negative thoughts. Take care fagoff, sometimes it takes a little time to build up our confidence and self-esteem again. Be good to yourself, you are allowed to relax and feel good just like anyone else. :))

Profile image nanaturtle1 day ago

Hey-your burble made total sense to me! So, maybe you're not quite as alone or different fagoff. Amazing how the body clock switches eh. Hope your holi gave you what you needed. Re-smoking. If an ecig givres you balance then hey-who has the right? You-you are the only 1 to say what happens. I think you are remarkable fagoff, blunt honesty takes courage. You keep coming here- i for one, enjoy your company fagoff :-) get some sleep tho! Take care&stay strong

Profile image Ladylene23 hours ago

Hi Fagoff ... sounds like you have beeb on quite a soul searching journey. I'm sorry your connection with your roots was not all you expected it to be. Its easy to get wound up in the injustices of the past, I think anyone looking back in their history will find some of those. But we can't dwell on them .. goodness knows there are enough injustices done in the present to keep us busy!

I did that whole 'discovery' journey a number of years ago Fagoff and at the end of it I came full circle and realised that my sense of 'who I am' was there all the time. For me that was discovering that I am not some random happening in a big bang. But that I am a planned and created being, who is both loved and valuable. My life has meaning and purpose. It made all the difference for me and allowed me to be comfortable in my own skin. It is this 'truth' that I hold onto in the dark times that you speak of, when my feelings run away with me.

And I too have made some mistakes (its in our nature) and done many things in my life that I regret. Just like your feelings, they don't define you Fagoff. At the end of the day .. you are sooo right .. you have the power to choose today how to treat both yourself and other people too. Just giving the 'best of you' in the moment is priceless :)

Sure hope your time clock kicks back into NZ time soon .. its horrid being awake all hours and that alone can mess with your head a bit hey :)

Sounds like you need to spoil yourself a little bit today hey :) Take care

Profile image Elevtheria22 hours ago

Hi Fagoff...you are absolutely right... you are you and you should be in the now. I've been in dark places too... but with a lot of "fake it till you make it" I'm a different person now. I actually AM happy... I know I am strong, stronger than I thought. You can do this. In time I am positive that the good times will far outweigh the bad times. Focus on the now... and as my little quote on my screen says... "keep smiling and one day life will get tired of upsetting you". I've come on here for 2 years... mostly not smoke related... it was the whole turmoil going on inside me that kept me here and the wonderful support and non-judgemental people here. Of course you can keep on coming here... I'll always support you... no matter what :) xxx

Profile image Nana2222 hours ago

Fagoff, this blog has brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate to everything you said. I too have times like you describe, and i guess i always will, but i am making peace with my "dark side". It is just one small part of me, as it sounds to be for you too. I found it easier when i learned to accept it. We all have warts my friend - it's just how we feel about them that matters. Sometimes in life we need to take it ODAAT, just as we do with quitting.
Of course you can keep blogging on here, i hate that you feel that you can't. You have quit smoking, the same as the rest of us, and to me the e-cig is neither here nor there.
You trust yourself fagoff - it has got you this far - do not let anyone elses opinions matter more than your own. You are a unique and wonderful person, and i am so pleased to have "met" you.
Try and get some sleep my friend.
Nana hugs on the way (((fagoff)))

Profile image Calmwaters12 hours ago

I can relate to lot of what you have written Whatever method or tool you use to undertake this journey is great. The main thing is that you ARE on this journey. If it takes 2 years or ten to get off the ecig that is your call completely and you have my support anyway for what thats worth. A few months ago I was a bit opinionated about the ecig and I apologise if I was one of the ones that may have made you feel that way.

29Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 310 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 310 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3100
Total savings: $4,160.00
still nope.heading back to Nz tommorrow. Looking forward to getting back home ,has been a great holiday.sounds like it's been very cold and wet,a well ,spring soon eh.
haven't seen Nana in a while hope your OK.

Profile image Bub444 days ago

Always good landing on home soil its been wet only a few cold snaps :)

Profile image Ladylene4 days ago

Hey Fagoff .. nice to see you and to hear your holiday has gone so well. Awesome you are stil smokefree and your breathday is coming up fast. Welcome back :)

Profile image smokefreemep3 days ago

Hi fagoff, cool that your still smoke free and after a decent holiday. Good on you :)

Profile image Calmwaters3 days ago

Safe travels home fagoff, have a warm jacket ready for when you get of the plane :)

Profile image clarence the cat3 days ago

Safe travels Fagoff. The weathers not too bad here. Be glad you're SMOKEFREE while travelling. It makes life hassle free.

Profile image nanaturtle3 days ago

Yay, fagoff's coming home with tall tales of wide&far away ... me too on the Nana22 front, so hope you're ok Nana. Safe journey fagoff :-)

Profile image Nana223 days ago

Oh fagoff always a bit sad when a holiday comes to an end eh - but it will be nice to be back home, and i know you have your new house project to get into. That will be exciting.
Huge congrats fagoff on 310 days smokefree. You deserve to feel very proud of each and every one of them!
Thanks for thinking of me. I am on the mend now, but have been really sick with flu. Over it now - just the residual yuck and low energy thing which is to be expected.
Welcome home!

24Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 305 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 305 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3050
Total savings: $4,080.00
still nope.enjoying Ireland now,it's lovely to see the sun again.
hope you all going good. Feel more confident of reaching 365 days ,one year now. Never believed I could do it back when I started.
it seems decision then the right repetitive action breeds determination to carry on and succeed.I think I can,I think I can ,I'll do it anyway woo-hoo I am ,I am doing it.

Profile image jakethemuss24 June, 2015

Awesome stats fagoff

Profile image fagoff24 June, 2015

Feels kind of weird I'm writing this message at 7 pm on Tuesday the 23 ,then when I post it says the 24,bit spooky really.like voice from the past.

Profile image AXL24 June, 2015

You do realise that it was 10 months to the day (yesterday) that you had your last smoke. Well done mate☺

Profile image nanaturtle24 June, 2015

Yes fagoff-you're doing it!! Congratulations on your freedom-Safe journey ★

Profile image Bruce C24 June, 2015

have fun. Less than 2 months until breathday now.

That $4,080 saved must be coming in handy right about now too :)

Profile image clarence the cat24 June, 2015

Well done Fagoff. Enjoy your travels.

Profile image smokefreemep24 June, 2015

Awesome stats fagoff. Lol@a voice from the past haha.. when i lived in London as a kid.. id ring my Mum sometimes and id call her future girl lol

22Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Feeling a bit green

Just landed in Dublin. Really enjoyed the Highlands of Scotland but must confess it's great to see the sun again and no rain,

Profile image AXL22 June, 2015

Enjoy Ireland mate. I love the place☺

Profile image Bub4422 June, 2015

I believe its a wonderful place...enjoy

Profile image clematis22 June, 2015

Lovely fagoff, wish I was there. I take it you're still smokefree (grin).

Profile image smokefreemep22 June, 2015

Ireland is beautiful.. love the green feeling :) nice fagoff enjoy it..

Profile image nanaturtle22 June, 2015

Enjoyed most-the people! Caring, friendly not unlike us Kiwis. Enjoy fagoff

Profile image Alan doherty22 June, 2015

Ahhhhh my homeland been living in NZ 12 years now, you can take the man out of Ireland but you can't take Ireland outta the man. Have a great time have a Guinness for me and enjoy the craic I am jealous.

Profile image Blondene22 June, 2015

Sounds awesome enjoy your trip ☺☺

Profile image Nana2222 June, 2015

Sounds lovely fagoff. Keep enjoying your smokefree holiday!

Profile image jordy9123 June, 2015

Hello fagoff. I do hope you enjoy your time in Dublin!

19Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 300 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 300 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3000
Total savings: $4,000.00
still nope, pretty good savings too,must be close to 10 months too.staying on Iona, the Irish st Columbas base in Scotland,a special place.

Profile image AXL19 June, 2015

Congratulations mate on reaching the 3 hundy club. I'll meet you there tomorrow. Next step 1 year smokefree☺

Profile image Bub4419 June, 2015

a huge congratulations an inspiration to us all

Profile image Thunderbirds are go19 June, 2015

Yay! Welcome to the 300 club fagoff :))

Profile image Bruce C19 June, 2015

Fantastic getting to the triple hundy. Well done

Profile image Darren19 June, 2015

Awesome achievement making the 300 club. You'll be at 1 year in no time at all. How's the weather?

Profile image Ladylene19 June, 2015

Congratulations Fagoff ... Well done

Profile image Dididi19 June, 2015

huge achievement Fagoff, well done!!!

Profile image clarence the cat19 June, 2015

Well done Fagoff!!

Profile image sunray19 June, 2015

Welcome to the 3Hundy club fagoff. Well done & congratulations. ⭐

Profile image Sexymwahz19 June, 2015

Beautiful statz Fagoff.. Woop woop.. Congratulationz.. Loving your rounded figures there.. Go treat yourself because you totally deserve it.. ~mw(",)h~

Profile image grammy19 June, 2015

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. So well done, you are the master at this

Profile image Janet G19 June, 2015

Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations :) :)

Profile image Nana2220 June, 2015

Fagoff i'm so sorry to have missed this amazing milestone. Welcome to the 3 Hundy Club my friend. You have earned every one of those smokefree days, and i'm very proud of you. Bring on the 365 days now.....and you will!

Profile image snail mover20 June, 2015

Congratulations on reaching the 300 club.excellent work..

Profile image jordy9123 June, 2015

WOOHOO. Happy belated 300 days mate!

15Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 296 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 296 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2960
Total savings: $3,960.00
still nope. Perfect day here today was sunny and got up to 18 degrees,the locals are all out in shorts and teeshirts, true .Scotland the brrrrave hehe.

Profile image Thunderbirds are go15 June, 2015

Sounds great fagoff. Warmer than we have here, it's getting decidedly chilly. You're stats are hot though :)

Profile image AXL15 June, 2015

4 more days to go mate. Glad you're enjoying your holiday☺

Profile image Bub4415 June, 2015

is haggis on the menu 4 more days woohoo aewsome :)

Profile image smokefreemep15 June, 2015

Hi fagoff.. hang in there.. 4 more days not long now! Enjoy your holiday fagoff lol@bub and the haggis laugh*

Profile image nanaturtle15 June, 2015

Good night fagoff-sleep safe in the knowledge you are a winner! :-)

Profile image Nana2215 June, 2015

Oooh, i'd love to be where you are! 4 more sleeps, and then it's party time!

Profile image Calmwaters15 June, 2015

Hope your having a fab holiday :)

Profile image snail mover15 June, 2015

Great stats. Your showing us the way

Profile image Nickers7618 June, 2015

Still going strong I see Fagoff! Great work, hope you and your family are all well :-)

13Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 294 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 294 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2940
Total savings: $3,920.00
I'm in Scotland now lovely place ,so far the weathers been great ,though only meant to be about 10 degrees tomorrow brrrr. Off to bed shortly it's Friday night just gone 9.05 pm. Hope you, all going good.

Profile image nanaturtle13 June, 2015

Good evening fagoff-great to see you! lol!. Been a few hiccups in the blogs of late. Noticed how the flora is similar to home? Hope you're enjoying your smokefreedom in beautiful Scotland-thanks for 'popping in'- Catcha on the Morrow :-) (heaps of newbies now!)

Profile image AXL13 June, 2015

10 degrees?! It's supposed to be the start of summer in Scotland. It's warmer here! Glad you're enjoying your holiday mate☺

Profile image Nana2213 June, 2015

294 days means only 6 to go to the 300! How exciting! You enjoy Scotland my friend.

Profile image snail mover13 June, 2015

Great stats.wont b long and you will post three hundy what a achievement.enjoy scotland.hope you are understanding the language.lol

Profile image smokefreemep13 June, 2015

Hi fagoff.. nearly 300 so exciting.. The Scotts are great to get pissed with.. nice stats :) awesome!

Profile image Mumsy5913 June, 2015

Scotland is a lovely place, I was there in the winter and it was a bit colder than 10. If it wasn't so cold I would love to live there. But nah, NZ a bit warmer. Nearly 300 days, well done

9Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 290 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 290 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2900
Total savings: $3,880.00.
still nope.met a woman today, she saw me with my vapor, window shopping, she looked really unwell.she asked me about ,vapors and how well it worked,I told her I've been off the fag over nine months ,and how nothing else I had tried worked.she said she has also tried everything including a vapor and had no joy quitting. Smoking has nearly killed her,she didn't look well at all.she really doesn't believe she can break free of smoking. Her husband was with her and seemed desperate yo help her quit smoking..I showed her how to use vapors properly ,most people try to use them like cigarettes, which doesn't work then give up and think they are no good.she went away really excited. I hope she can manage to do it this time ,I really hate this damned addiction and how it destroys so many
lives.i hope you all going good over there.7 pm now I'm off for tea, or
supper as the poms say..

Profile image fagoff9 June, 2015

Not trying to show off ,don't know how I managed to post twice

Profile image AXL9 June, 2015

Hi mate. Hopefully your advice will work for her. Enjoy your supper old boy. Lol☺

Profile image Bruce C9 June, 2015

Well done one the 590.

I've noticed a few people's postings being doubled up in recent weeks. I wonder if it's a bug in quit-line?

If no ones replied on it yet you can always edit the other one and make it private.

Profile image Nana229 June, 2015

That was so nice of you fagoff. I hope she tries again too. The more the merrier eh!
Huge congrats on 290 days fagoff. Only 10 sleeps to the 3 Hundy! Very, very awesome!

Profile image clarence the cat9 June, 2015

It feels good to be able to help someone doesn't it Fagoff? Poor lady, I do hope she can quit. Hopefully your advice gave her new heart. Well done!!

Profile image Darren11 June, 2015

Looks like you are very close to the 300 mate. Great effort. 9 months such a Long time.

6Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Still nope

The mind is a strange thing at times. I've learnt over the years you can't always trust it.the other day I got out of the wrong side of bed, my thinking and perspective were off beam, I was more thin skinned than normal and at one low point ,my thinking was , I was much more happier when I was smoking, so what's the point of this quiting rubbish. I got through by keeping it simple ,I asked my Hp for help and just said no I've come too far to go back. The madness eventually passed and I was restored to sanite.
I am grateful for the twelve steps of Aa they work for me. Hope every one is doing OK.

Profile image Bub446 June, 2015

still nope for me too Fagoff :)

Profile image AXL6 June, 2015

I'm glad you got through those thoughts mate. Now keep on enjoying your holiday!☺

Profile image suemack6 June, 2015

Funny how they sneak up on you when you think they've gone forever. Well done Fagoff!!

Profile image Bruce C6 June, 2015

You have come too far, you also know you can do it. Stay strong.

Profile image Mumsy596 June, 2015

Yeah someone throws those tough days in just to test us, well done for getting through it

Profile image Nana226 June, 2015

I understand completely what you're saying fagoff. Sometimes i too just tread water for the day, hoping the next day will be better, and it usually is. I'm glad you can get strength from your HP. You did well my friend. Carry on enjoying your wonderful holiday.

Profile image Nifty Fifty6 June, 2015

i know just what you mean Fagoff, I was much happier smoking too, loved to smoke and drink on the weekends, but we know we cant go back to that life , it will kill us if we do. Stay strong.

4Jun2015 By fagoff  |  Permalink  |  Report Support me - Follow my blogs

Stats Update: 285 days smokefree

Smokefree days: 285 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2850
Total savings: $3,800.00
only 15 days till 300 the days keep adding up. Still nope for me.I did plenty of research into what doesn't work until I found what does work for me and I just keep on doing it.I'm enjoying my big holiday. It's great to be tobacco free. Hope you all doing OK. ☺

Profile image AXL4 June, 2015

You just keep on doing what you're doing fagoff. It's working for you mate, why change it?☺

Profile image Ladylene4 June, 2015

Awesome stats Fagoff ... very impressive. Yup that 300 Club is within reach now ... glad to hear you are enjoying your holidays too .. I'd love to see London .. it reminds me of Dunedin with its old buidings.

Profile image clarebear4 June, 2015

Glad you are enjoying your holiday fagoff. I loved London, in the day. Do you notice any difference with smokers/smoking rules over there?

Profile image Nana224 June, 2015

Carry on as you are fagoff. 285 days is brilliant! You know what works for you - keep doing it. Roll on the 3 Hundy.

Profile image Mumsy594 June, 2015

Amazing stats, and yeah keep doing what you doing

Profile image aimee75 June, 2015

Looking good there Fagoff!!