searching for happiness
Thought id put some thoughts down as I cant sleep.Still on UK time,, for me its about 6 pm,not 2.15 am.I enjoyed my big OE ,but I had a few bad moments too ,or maybe not bad just a difficult. adjustment. The trip was a series of revelations for me.I think I was hoping to connect more with my ancestors in Scotland and Ireland,get a sense of who I am from where they came from.I was disappointed in this by finding out the real history can differ greatly from official history.There is a saying History is written by the conqerers, its not necessarily true.I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else ,but its my story so ill carry on.I think I got too affected by the injustices that occurred in Scotland and Ireland throughout history and took it on board this brought me down to a dark place and could have ruined my holiday.It was a struggle at times to keep positive .I came to realise that I am me,I have my own choices to make .ive sometimes made choices and taken actions I regret.I can focus on this to at times and it brings me down as well.
I am realising that I am me ,no one else.I don't always get it right,and that's ok.I didn't find any more sense of who I am ,. over there.
I am who I am. I don't have any more sense of my beginning ,but I am here and now.Today is all that matters,I hope to give and be the best that I am today.
Today I will be happy with the journey,instead of being on the journey to find happiness,I may not always " Feel " happy every moment ,but I can continue to decide to be happy with all that I have and am today.
I have had to come to terms with the fact I have a mental health condition which sometimes tells me im no good and that life is pretty horrible,at those times life is a struggle and I don't see the good things in life so easily.Those are the times I used to " need " to smoke to make me feel better. its like at those times I forget what is good and lovely about this life and can only see the grey in everything.Thats also when nicodemons lies seem so much more tempting ,you know just one wont hurt,or whats the use of quitting when life is so crap.
I may well have these thoughts and times the rest of my life, but thankfully some truth has managed to sink into my consciousness ie ,No one puff is too much .If I smoke I die,thats my reality.Coming too terms with who and what I am is also why 10 months ago after countless attempts to quit smoking.I decided to use the ecig,with nicotine,its the only thing that's ever enabled me to not smoke ciggaretes for any length of time.
So far its enabled me to try and figure out a way to live in harmony with both myself and the world I live in.I see others have this race to see who can quit smoking the quickest, im like the turtle ,I just want to finish the race not win it.I smoked non stop for 40 years,this has been the toughest thing ive ever done ,if it takes me a year or even 2,to get off the ecig, then so be it .
If there is a point to this burble then maybe its ,walk your own walk,do what ever you gotta do.Ive been criticised plenty of times for apparently still smoking ,by using my ecig, The facts are I now have way better health than when I started,I can outwalk my wife up steep hills and do things I had given up because of poor health especially breathing problems.
I hope its ok to keep bloging on here . I know im a bit different ,but ive been on the ecig bloging sites and don't really relate to them,many of them just wanted to switch to a safer form of "smoking" .its an odd place to be not accepted by smokers or sometimes by ex smokers either but treated as if you are still a smokeby exes and as a freak by smokers.Any way enough burbling for now,will try to sleep now.
Stats Update: 310 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 310 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3100
Total savings: $4,160.00
still nope.heading back to Nz tommorrow. Looking forward to getting back home ,has been a great holiday.sounds like it's been very cold and wet,a well ,spring soon eh.
haven't seen Nana in a while hope your OK.
Stats Update: 305 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 305 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3050
Total savings: $4,080.00
still nope.enjoying Ireland now,it's lovely to see the sun again.
hope you all going good. Feel more confident of reaching 365 days ,one year now. Never believed I could do it back when I started.
it seems decision then the right repetitive action breeds determination to carry on and succeed.I think I can,I think I can ,I'll do it anyway woo-hoo I am ,I am doing it.
Feeling a bit green
Just landed in Dublin. Really enjoyed the Highlands of Scotland but must confess it's great to see the sun again and no rain,
Stats Update: 300 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 300 days
Grams NOT smoked: 3000
Total savings: $4,000.00
still nope, pretty good savings too,must be close to 10 months too.staying on Iona, the Irish st Columbas base in Scotland,a special place.
Stats Update: 296 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 296 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2960
Total savings: $3,960.00
still nope. Perfect day here today was sunny and got up to 18 degrees,the locals are all out in shorts and teeshirts, true .Scotland the brrrrave hehe.
Stats Update: 294 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 294 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2940
Total savings: $3,920.00
I'm in Scotland now lovely place ,so far the weathers been great ,though only meant to be about 10 degrees tomorrow brrrr. Off to bed shortly it's Friday night just gone 9.05 pm. Hope you, all going good.
Stats Update: 290 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 290 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2900
Total savings: $3,880.00.
still nope.met a woman today, she saw me with my vapor, window shopping, she looked really unwell.she asked me about ,vapors and how well it worked,I told her I've been off the fag over nine months ,and how nothing else I had tried worked.she said she has also tried everything including a vapor and had no joy quitting. Smoking has nearly killed her,she didn't look well at all.she really doesn't believe she can break free of smoking. Her husband was with her and seemed desperate yo help her quit smoking..I showed her how to use vapors properly ,most people try to use them like cigarettes, which doesn't work then give up and think they are no good.she went away really excited. I hope she can manage to do it this time ,I really hate this damned addiction and how it destroys so many
lives.i hope you all going good over there.7 pm now I'm off for tea, or
supper as the poms say..
The mind is a strange thing at times. I've learnt over the years you can't always trust it.the other day I got out of the wrong side of bed, my thinking and perspective were off beam, I was more thin skinned than normal and at one low point ,my thinking was , I was much more happier when I was smoking, so what's the point of this quiting rubbish. I got through by keeping it simple ,I asked my Hp for help and just said no I've come too far to go back. The madness eventually passed and I was restored to sanite.
I am grateful for the twelve steps of Aa they work for me. Hope every one is doing OK.
Stats Update: 285 days smokefree
Smokefree days: 285 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2850
Total savings: $3,800.00
only 15 days till 300 the days keep adding up. Still nope for me.I did plenty of research into what doesn't work until I found what does work for me and I just keep on doing it.I'm enjoying my big holiday. It's great to be tobacco free. Hope you all doing OK. ☺