Yesterday I wore a jacket that I haven't had on for over six months. I was in the car when I suddenly had this horrendous thought that there was a dead animal in the footwell or some lamb chops from the supermarket I'd forgotten to unpack five days ago, the way my 'nosebuds' were going crazy. It was a truly horrible smell. So I pulled over and started searching. After thirty seconds I caught the whiff coming off my sleeve - it was from my jacket! Hadn't worn it since my quit in January!
I would burn the thing, except I like it. Might be able to revive it at the drycleaners.
I hate the feeling that I spent thirty years walking into a room smelling like that, and people were usually too polite to just say "Hey Pepe Le Pew, too much!"
A few drinks
I have a couple of my neighbours coming over for a few drinks tonight. I have a little knot in my throat and its a bit twisted like choking all the way down to my heart. Its my Mothers 49th birthday today. I wasnt invited. I made both my Aunties go and my Uncle (they staying with me they mums siblings from Aussie) They cant believe how mum is treating me.. i asked them not to start a fight on her birthday, just to leave it but i cant see that happening. My aunt just txted saying they wont be far away and am i ok. Thing is.. i am ok. Even though mum said she didnt want me when i was born, i am still ok. I even called mum to say happy birthday and she hung up on me lol. Not sure what to do.. feeling a bit down right now but im ok.
Feeling a bit like I have been doing the junkie shuffle all day. It has been a particularly stressful day and I have just got the worst news possible. My surgery has been set back to the middle of August because my surgeon has to go for surgery, go figure. Hanging on by my finger tips.
Stats Update: 544 days smokefree
Well here I go again! Can't really remember what I wrote in the blog that cyberspace just took.
Just an update.
It's not an easy feeling low but after not seeing any other way around the sadness that I was feeling off to the doctors I went. This has got to be the lastest thing I have had to deal with on my journey smokefree in times that had pasted before being smokefree I would of had a cigarette and then another to try and cover up the feelings I had.
I guess some of you have been wondering what has been going on with me and for those who haven't please don't leave negative comments as right now just can't handle them.
In my family which is blended, two family's together there are some that think they are needed more so for this to happen the ones that are stronger hang out on the sides looking in. Well one from the middle decided to rock the shoes (mine) and its all been a little hard to handle, extremely bad and I just don't know how to handle this. I can't talk with my mum about it as one all hell would probably break lose. But it does have a lot to do with my relationship of 21 years to my partner and a step sister causing lots of trouble.
That and having finished my night shift walking out to find my car stolen from my work place didn't add any help at all and feel terrible sending the kids off to have to catch the bus in the pouring rain just breaks my heart.
Well off to the docs I went and this was so hard to do as I no I'm not doing well, everything seems a bit of a challenge to get things done and sorting things out seems to be taking forever. The more I talked with the doctor the more I started to see that yes depression is definitely there. But in this cloud of depression it does give me a small but of happiness to think that yes I'm at my lowest I can still make a plan ...just like I did to give up smoking I will pull myself up and succeed.
Still it will feel strange taking the meds instead of giving them out.
And I will remain smokefree. ODAAT & NOPE. ⭐
Needing lots of hugs right now. Not feeling very awesome. ⭐
Smokefree days: 544 days
Grams NOT smoked: 2332
Total savings: $3,120.00
Step 2 patches are going well
Didn't notice any difference which I'm relieved about. Drinks on for the Canes/Crusaders match tonight, so there's plenty of food to distract me if I have "a moment" lol.
Enjoy the long weekend Smokefree family and take care out there on the roads..x
Flat out !
Well ... I've been flat out with my thesis, spending as much time as I can on it, and of course keeping up with housekeeping, and never ending errands ... but in all the excitement, I forgot about blogs. Today I went to the chemist to pick up my NRT repeats, and then realised that I hadn't been on here in a few days. So here I am, open up *My Page ... and boom, I've got another block on my week blocks up the top, Yaay 7 weeks worth, and Im 54 days smoke free ! Way past the 50 mark. I think thats a good place to be, so flat out - that Im not even thinking about ciggies on a daily basis anymore. Happy as about that.
I remember now....
what I was going to say yesterday.
well, as I was biking along in the middle of the country, minding my own business, breathing fresh air with clear (relatively) lungs, this car came out of a side road up ahead and I noticed that the woman driver was very attractive. I was admiring (perving more like lol) her as she drove past me and WHAM!
A bloody nose full of tobacco smoke! ewwww
Do you know how foul that is under those circumstances?
Anyway, I decided that she wasn't as attractive as first thought.
Well, bike is all ready, legs shaved up, new tyres and tubes on, chain oiled, all batteries charged up (gears and heart rate monitor and gps), haircut set for tonight, all ready for the big race this weekend. Can't wait to see how I go. It's a course that would suit me even when I was smoking so can't wait to crank it and go for gold. Cash for prizes too.
Wish me luck, chat later.
Hello darkness, my old friend....
Smokefree days: 21 days
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 420
Total savings: $476.00
It's been a dark place this last week. Very old battles have snaked up through my mind and it's been beeping hard. The flu has also taken control of me this week. I've cried buckets.
Not well enough for training, and there is the teensiest part of me that is pleased I'm not smoking right now, simply for taste and coughing.
I've managed to secure a temp role starting on Tuesday (not sure how that happened) but this darkness takes away any delight, and forces such negative comments to come. Things like - it's a crap job, crap money, crap location....... Blah blah.
Zero energy but trying so hard to change the record in my head from "The sound of silence" to "Take these broken wings..."
As a 6 week newbie here I feel very different today as a non smoker than how i felt 5 weeks ago as a non smoker. It is true that how i feel about wanting a smoke.. has got easier.The urge to light up now is not as strong as it used to be. I was feeling pretty confident today and very proud sitting on 6 weeks smoke free, but when I read Ladylenes blog a small part of my heart sank. Im not blaming you lady for how I felt, but in my eyes you are a very strong lady who i look up to, one of many on this site. How long does it take to be a non smoker? Will I ever be a non smoker or are we all ex smokers that will always have that threat? Someone who has never smoked doesnt get stressed and really want a smoke, they dont know what that feels like.. but will an ex smoker always feel stress and want a smoke? CAn an ex smoker have the mindset of someone who has never smoked? Hope this make sence have not so good English today to explain lol
Made the choice
to stop again. Its taken me a long time to choose a date and stick with it and I know i have done it before and survived it. I can do this again. My quit date starts this Monday and i start the course of Champex.
The idea of this terrifies me but i know thats the addiction speaking and my brain is conditioned to be a slave to it.
So fingers are crossed and no pressure!